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A Sucker for Paisley with a Face like an Open Book
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[19 Feb 2009|09:21am] |
wow, it's been a whole month since I posted. Lots has been going on, mostly good, some sad. Life overally is pretty awesome. I've been up to my eyeballs in Arbonne and it's taking off like mad. LOVE IT!!
Happy happy birthday to my beloved incredible husband today....thankful for him, for our love, for our life together...
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| toasty. |
[19 Jan 2009|11:19am] |
I am sitting in my bra and jeans and bare feet in my office and feeling surprisingly comfortable--as in warm and toasty, not chilly. Feeling pretty decent about my body too.
Enjoying a Monday off, with my Hub home, as he didn't have to work today for MLK day.
It's sunny, with huge fat flurries still flying around. We got another 12 inches of snow over the weekend. WTF--we live in such a snow belt.
I was going to go to cardio and yoga this morning, but decided cuddling with Hub was a much better idea. I am going to see Calina and her baby girl in a while and go running after that. I hope the sun is still out!!
Things are good. I am thankful =D
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[06 Jan 2009|09:15pm] |
2009 so far has been really, really good.
Taking it one day at a time, almost as if in recovery. Doing WW one day at a time. Planning workouts and activities one day at a time. Embracing myself. Good positive self-talk and positive affirmations.
I am a far cry from where I was months ago. I don't think I've ever experienced peace, calm, healing and focused ambition (without the self-destruction part of it, the "I should" part of it, the moving-too-fast part of it) like this, on this level, feeling calm and hopeful and excited about life overall, for this prolonged period of a time, EVER. I am feeling so incredibly grateful. God is blessing me every single day. The Universe is taking care of me and I am radiating love and gratitude back.
I'm starting to sound like the self-help books I've been reading but fuck it. I would rather have that than overwhelming anxiety, insecurity and unsettled-ness.
I have been running like a fool, yoga-ing and sweating my ass off, and eating good healthy food. I am THISCLOSE to breaking 180. I CANNOT WAIT to get this weight off! But I am more concerned about getting my weight down to a healthy level, getting my cholesterol under 200, getting my BP under control. I want to be healthier than I have ever been in my life. I want to look better when I'm 30 than when I was 20--so I guess now is the time to get started!
I am content. I am feeling light. I am so, so grateful for everything that's been happening.
sugar and love.
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| wow, a non-self-imposed hiatus. |
[29 Dec 2008|09:39am] |
I just haven't been feeling like posting lately. Life has been good, I'm still feeling much better with my anxiety at its lowest in I-don't-know-how-long, I'm back on the WW wagon as much as possible, I'm a lot more self-accepting and self-forgiving. The "should" monster in my ear is quiet.
Christmas was lovely...I was off Christmas Eve so we spent the day going to my in-laws first, then my mom's where she has her annual Christmas Eve celebration with the whole family...it was really quite lovely and she was calm and didn't have any meltdowns on us. It was subdued and strange without Aunt Terry but I still don't think it has hit me yet.
I got some great gifts...but I think Christmas for me is all about seeing my loved ones open their gifts from me. I would much rather spend money on them and give.
My father-in-law was hospitalized last weekend with horrible abdominal and back pain...with still no certain cause, although we did find out he has a AAA (abdominal aortic aneurysm)...it is only 3.7cm at its widest so surgery is not a concern at this point, but this hospitalization was a blessing because we had no idea that he had this. He is going to see a new internist today which I hope he stays with because the d-bag he's been seeing for 20 years isn't doing DICK for him. I think this episode scared my FIL a bit because he has cut WAY back on his smoking and has not been drinking alcohol...which he was a chronic drinker prior to this. He is only 61 and looks much older...my poor husband was worried sick, rightfully so...and of course, being the family nurse, I kept getting inundated with questions...but I don't mind. If I can get my FIL to start taking better care of himself and cracking the whip on him a bit, then it's worth it.
Work is, well, work. I just feel like I'm where I belong right now and that is comforting.
Working on renewal and organizing and creating things anew in celebration of the coming new year. I feel grateful for everything and I'm glad this year is soon to be behind us.
Peace. Love. Blessings.
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[11 Dec 2008|10:34pm] |
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( happy )
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[05 Dec 2008|08:58pm] |
today was an awesome clinical day...I only have one day left next week and then we are DONE.
My students are truly wonderful...they are conscientious, sweet, warm, capable, and learning a LOT. They are smart, sassy, and a good team together, the lot of them. And apparently they love me.
I told them today that I've resigned from OCC effective the 12th...they were shocked and sad, but I told them briefly why it needed to happen...I hope to stay in touch with them.
I've never experienced anything so warm and rewarding before. I really do love teaching...but not on this level. I'm not cut out for this nonsense. I will precept till the cows come home but I can't be an educator like this. I don't love this bit of it enough. But I adore my students...I think God knew that I was going to have a rough semester so He at least blessed me with wonderful students this time around...
I feel humbled and so grateful to have had this experience and to have impacted lives and future nurses like this. Maybe this was the extent of the experience that was intended for me. Who knows. All I know is that I am feeling tremendous relief now that it's almost over...or maybe that's just the paxil. Or both.
thankful.
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[04 Dec 2008|10:44pm] |
this isn't too bad for a yearly struggle. In fact, I feel quite fortunate to have this struggle. Yet it is an issue nonetheless.
Every year, my loving family always ask me what I want for Christmas. I never know what to say. I have everything I need and most things that I want. Everything else is just fluff, not necessarily things that I really want to have or would be worth working towards. If so, I could get them for myself. Besides, I have enough shit as it is. I don't need anything. I don't want anything in particular.
I guess I should just count my blessings that I have such generous family members who love me, and that all my needs are met, and the bills are paid, and that I am surrounded with love, blessings, and joy.
And hopefully I can figure out what I am getting for everyone else. That is a much better question to occupy my mind with...
very blessed.
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[27 Nov 2008|08:52am] |
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still super blessed and super thankful, today and everyday.
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| life |
[24 Nov 2008|09:38pm] |
so my paxil adventures have begun in earnest and I am feeling more like myself than I have in weeks. A placebo effect, perhaps, but I have not felt edgy or panicky in DAYS and I LOVE IT.
also looking forward to the fact that I have a mere two weeks to go and then clinical is FINITO. FOREVER. TOUJOURS. Thank GOD.
I've been reading up on the side effects of Paxil, among them is weight gain. Fucking marvelous. I was craving fried food like nobody's business on the way home from work, and was tempted to stop at McDonalds for a box of McNuggets. Thankfully Maama was able to talk some sense into me and I just scarfed leftover Chinese food when I got home. Had to be the single most unhealthiest thing in my fridge, but it was delicious.
Although now my stomach is like, "Bitch!! Oh no you DIHN'T!"
sigh.
I feel playful and I am actually happy to be going back to the Floor full-time. HAPPY. What kind of cracked out shit is that? I just am in my element there. I am becoming more accepting of it.
My husband is watching YouTube videos of kitties and kittens playing. I can't stand watching it because I want a kitten like STAT.
things are better. Aunt Terry is watching over us and is with us.
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| grieving. |
[16 Nov 2008|10:02pm] |
Life seems to be surreal, in "pause" mode, gray and snowy and cold, since Friday.
The snow does look pretty, and I asked my mom if she thought Aunt Terry was behind it and she said no, Aunt Terry always liked it warm and sunny. So who knows. It seems like the weather is mourning right along with us.
Lately all I want to do is eat and sleep. There is a constant flow of food and people in and out of my aunt's house, and Friday night my mom led the charge and started warming things up and insisted that people eat, because no one had eaten at all that day--but really, who could? There was leftover Panera and I don't even like Panera all that much, but I literally scarfed half a baguette (a huge one) and garden vegetable soup in about 30 seconds. Bread apparently has taken on a whole new meaning for me.
I know why I am eating like this--I must be using this to cope, even though I didn't even think I used food as a "sad" coping mechanism before. I am trying to fill a void left by my aunt's departure. Or something.
And I've been sleeping in, or going back to sleep when I should be doing something else, like RUNNING...
the next few days are going to be rough, but with God's grace we will all get through it...and then on with life...
I just can't believe she's gone.
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| if I only could be running up that hill... |
[14 Nov 2008|09:45pm] |
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"it doesn't hurt me
you wanna feel how it feels...
and if I only could make a deal with God
and get Him to swap our places
Be running up that road
Be running up that hill
With no problems..."
Theresa Marie Marzolino Yezbick-- March 31, 1941--November 14, 2008
Rest in peace, Auntie Terry.
no matter how long we have our loved ones here, it is never long enough. You said these words yourself after Grandpa died...now they ring painfully true for you...
you are no longer in pain, and you are at peace, and in such good company! Grandpa, Grandma, Uncle Rocky, and everyone else...you are now in paradise, while the rest of us are here grieving your loss...
whisper words of wisdom..."let it be..."
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| good. |
[13 Nov 2008|04:28pm] |
I wrote an email to the dean and her secretary letting them know about my resignation, and to be watching for my letter in the mail. It is done. The letter is printed, signed, and ready to go.
and in other news...
I PASSED MY CERTIFICATION EXAM!!! I am now a CERTIFIED MEDICAL-SURGICAL NURSE, BITCHES!!! aww yeah...
so now I can sign things "CMSRN" instead of just RN. WOO HOO!!
considering this is the test that I was a)feeling way unprepared for and b)just kinda went in and took, I am super happy!
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[10 Nov 2008|09:50pm] |
OK, so I'm doing it. I'm really doing it. I feel bad about it, but it needs to be done.
I am starting to write my resignation letter to OCC, effective at the end of the semester.
Even if I were to stay on after this semester, I would need to take some time off to just chill the eff out and get calm, centered, focused again after the drama of the last several months. Really get into therapy and work through my issues. Re-prioritize and enjoy my life.
I want/need to start writing again. I want to pursue it. It's starting to stir within me and won't let me ignore it.
it's time to start working on my dreams again, and I'm ok with the fact that they don't always include nursing. I'm much more ok with that idea than ever before.
My aunt is still hanging on...still holding on, and I'm still listening to tons of Sarah McLachlan because it is soothing to me these days...
love.
love.
love.
that's all we've got.
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| grieving and tearful. |
[08 Nov 2008|06:32pm] |
My in-laws are coming over for dinner. Hub cleaned house and it looks fabulous.
my aunt has hours to days...pray for her...
I can't stop crying.
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[05 Nov 2008|10:25pm] |
for the first time in my life, a Presidential candidate that I voted for is in office.
For the first time, I think I'm actually proud of my country.
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[02 Nov 2008|09:34pm] |
actually hand-wrote something out on paper tonight for the first in a long while.
I want to feel peace. I want healing. I want to feel like myself again.
looking forward to working with my new therapist starting tomorrow.
Heard my dad's voice tonight. We spoke. It was...almost like speaking to an ex, of sorts, which is weird because I never spoke with my exes after we broke up...except John Sheehan I suppose, 10 years after the fact, but whatever...conversation with my dad was brief, to the point, a sort-of relief, and we shall see what happens when we meet for lunch next week...
I'm going to have some ice cream.
Prayers please, for my aunt...
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